A truthful retelling of the Bible: Genesis

In the beginning, God made the stars, the moons, the planets, the sun. He made earth, a planet placed just a smidgen too close to the sun which was so delicate that, should it’s ozone layer be interfered with in any way, it would be sure to implode into a violent ball of flames, killing all life inhabiting it instantly.

God set about making the animals, he made the doggos and the kittens and the meerkats. It was a good time.

After this, God set about making what is deemed to be his best creation, his pièce de résistance; humans. Forget birds that can fly halfway across the globe or animals that can swim the greatest depths of the sea, the pinnacle of God’s creative endeavours were selfish, self-serving creatures who would go on to destroy everything God created, to kill his other creatures for food or fashion or sport and to generally suck dry the natural beauty of the world for monetary gain. This was a very bad time.

He started with man who he made in his image. Funny, some would think that an all-powerful being that transcends every force in the natural world wouldn’t have a gender, some would think it would be superior to such notions, that it wouldn’t have bits or pieces. Those people are, of course, infidels and pagans who should stop spouting nonsense. God is obviously a man with a man’s penis. Don’t be so ridiculous.

Anyway, God made man and he was flawless, perfection. Then God thought, “wow man, I should make you a plaything!” and so the concept of woman came to be. Even though he had all the resources one could imagine to create women, and had just magicked an entire universe and all contained therein out of nothing, God felt the need to take a rib from the man to make said woman. It was a weird time.

Anyway, God made woman and she was not man but she was grand.

So there they were, all bopping about in the Garden of Eden having the craic. God said to the humans “Here, stay away from that tree over there or you will die.” This was the tree of knowledge. Some think, what an odd thing to do to the humans, why would an all-powerful being set such a juvenile trap for the creatures he just made? And why would he wish them to grow without knowledge? To be ignorant fools who never questioned or contradicted him…who knows.

Alas, God created Satan and it was a bad time. Initially he was an angel but he turned against God. Seems weird, some say, that he would create something so evil, or that he would allow this angel-turned-heathen to run rampage on earth. But alas it was so. Satan went for the weak link – the woman, naturally – and tricked her into eating an apple from the forbidden tree. Some would ask, how could an all-knowing all-seeing God not know this was happening? Sure he’d little else to be at. And if he did know, why didn’t he stop it? Is he such a sadist? Who knows, all we know for sure is that God is always right and must not be questioned. In any event, “Eat the apple”, Satan said. “Be grand”, Satan said.

But alas, it was not grand. In fact, it was quite the opposite and God had an absolute rager. But wait, I hear many of you say, is this not the God who represents all that is good? God who embodies purity, kindness, forgiveness? Could he be so quick to anger? Could he create temptation, leave a wildling rogue angel in disguise to deceive the humans and still blame them? It might seem wildly contradictory but alas, God was pissed, and so, as a perfectly proportionate punishment for human error, he banish humankind to an eternity of misery, suffering, pain and death. It was a bad time.

And so Adam and Eve left the Garden of Eden. And even though the Bible said not five mins ago that the earth was pure decent filled with lush pastures and endless nature, when they stepped outside they were suddenly in a desolate barren land. It seems that God had missed a spot.

Alas, Adam and Eve, with little else to do to keep themselves happy, started riding. And ride they did until they bore children. As the children grew and they themselves wondered who they should ride, it became clear that God did not fully think through his plan. With only two humans procreating it came to be that the children of Adam and Eve were incestuous heathens whose offspring had far too many toes and only one eyebrow between them.

This is the story of Genesis.

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